Marriage Basics
Everyone who is married experiences conflict with their spouse. It is how you deal with these problems that determines whether your marriage will survive. Not every marriage has to end. Use your best judgement to determine what is right for you and your spouse, and get help if you need it.
Helping Your Marriage
- The Basics
- Equal Contribution in Marriage
- Divorce is the Last Resort
- What is Mediation?
- Finances and Postnuptials
- Mediation is Not Counseling
Deciding Whether to Divorce
- When Divorce Makes Sense
- Married to the Wrong Person?
- ‘Engaged’ Couples Don’t Divorce
Managing the Divorce Process
- Finding a Good Divorce Attorney
- Understanding Divorce Options
The Basics
Everyone who is married has marital problems and experiences conflict. That is the nature of marriage. Two people trying to live together will, of course, have struggles. It is how you deal with these problems that determines whether your marriage will survive and whether the relationship will give you and your spouse great satisfaction.
If you are having persistent and recurrent thoughts of divorce, do something. Don’t just let these thoughts fester. Keep in mind that divorce is not the only answer, even if you have tried marital counseling.
There are many ways to get marital help — marital counseling, pastoral counseling, reading books and articles, going to marriage workshops. Marital mediation is the newest method available to couples who wish to remain married and strengthen their marriage. It has been developed over the past decade by professional mediators who realized that mediation techniques can be very helpful for struggling married couples.
Mediation involves a series of sessions between the couple and a marital mediator to teach how to use mediation tools for communication and conflict resolution within marriage. Since most marital mediators have experience with mediating divorces, they’ve seen first-hand how marriages fail. The mediator uses that experience to quickly identify the issues leading toward divorce and teaches the couple how to use mediation tools to strengthen the marriage.
Your marriage is the biggest investment you will make in your life. You owe it to yourselves to make your marriage the best it can be.
Equal Contribution in Marriage
Is your spouse making the same “contribution” to the marriage as you are?
A major reason that marriages break up are feelings of resentment because one spouse is not contributing enough to the marriage. These contributions can be many things: earning money, working long hours, taking care of the house, caring for children or other family members. Most couples experience conflict over who is doing more and who is doing less.
Sometimes there may be an actual lack of contribution in your marriage. Maybe your spouse watches sports on the TV all day while you work and do the housework. Or your spouse does jigsaw puzzles and eats chocolates in a messy house, while you’re working 60 hours a week to make ends meet.
But in most cases, the difference is contribution is much smaller than you think. A marital mediator can help lead the discussion between you and your spouse about the contributions you are making and your perceptions of your partner’s contributions. Mistaken perceptions about contributions can be broken down in the mediation process. If there are imbalances, clients can talk about them and plan on how to remedy them.
Divorce is the Last Resort
Marital mediators generally have experience working with divorcing couples as divorce mediators. Therefore they are a good source of information about the cold, hard facts of the divorce process.
Some of these hard facts may give you and your spouse a wake up call. In a divorce, the obligations for child support and spousal support can be a big burden. The amount of property you have to share under the laws of your state may cause you financial hardship. In fact, you may not have worked through the increase in financial costs of running two households instead of one. It’s common after divorce that neither spouse is able to maintain the same lifestyle they had as a married couple.
This does not mean that a terrible marriage must continue. But by understanding what happens in divorce, many people will try to save their marriage. Remember, almost everyone who is married had a good relationship at the beginning. And almost every marriage has the potential to become a good marriage again.
What is Mediation?
Marriage entails a lot of conflict. That’s what causes divorces. Mediation is a type of conflict resolution. Therefore, mediation is an excellent and appropriate method for working with spouses who are in conflict.
There is an entire mediator’s toolbox, developed during the past quarter century, used by mediators to help clients address their conflicts. This toolbox is hugely powerful in working with spouses and marriages. It helps them rid of bad communication habits.
It is actually astounding how much miscommunication there is between spouses. A trained mediator can sit down for a brief talk with a couple that has been married for 20 or more years and immediately identify a list of significant miscommunications. Having a third person who is a mediation professional spend time with a struggling couple may be a valuable way to break through ingrained habits. Through mediation, each spouses’ communications can be analyzed, and the underlying intent looked at.
For instance, a spouse might say something that results in a strong negative reaction from the other spouse. However, when the mediator questions the basis of the statement, the intent of the first spouse may be different than what was understood by the other spouse. This happens all the time between people. We think we are communicating, but we are really not. We are mis-communicating and being misunderstood.
When a mediator helps the couple clarify the basis of the statement, the other party may understand and agree with it. This ends the bad reaction and bad feelings. They didn’t really have such different views after all.
Once a couple is trained in this method by the marital mediator, they can apply it in their own home. The marriage begins to get better. And when it starts to get better, the improvement progresses rapidly. A sick marriage is now healing.
Finances and Postnuptials
Aside from identifying conflict and helping reduce communication problems, marital mediation involves creating agreements about future behavior. These agreements may be very practical, such as scheduling work around the house or child care. Very commonly, financial issues are the source of tension. In these cases, the mediator can help put together a verbal or written agreement which is a roadmap for different future scenarios. The process of putting this agreement together can take away the worry and help the couple focus on resolving more important emotional and communication issues to make their marriage stronger.
If the marriage is already struggling, some financial situations have the potential to end the marriage. For instance, if one spouse inherits a large sum of money, they may not want to share it. Or one spouse may wish to invest in an entrepreneurial business, while the other spouse wants to make sure they have enough savings.
In cases like these, marital mediators can assist the couple in formulating a legally binding agreement about future finances. This type of agreement is called a postnuptial agreement or marital agreement. The agreement can be legally binding if it meets the conditions of the laws of that state. Postnuptial agreements can greatly assist a couple where the stress in the marriage leading to divorce is a financial one.
Mediation is Not Counseling
The first thing most people ask about marital mediation is “how is it different from marriage counseling”.
First of all, marital mediation is performed by mediators. Many are attorneys. Some are mental health professionals, but acting in the capacity of mediators, not therapists.
Almost all martial mediators are divorce mediators, and therefore are well-versed in the practical and financial matters relating to marriage. Marital mediators can analyze people’s finances and help provide concrete assistance to the spouses that are having financial disputes. Marital mediators who are mental health professionals are very strong in understanding the dynamics and actions of the parties that are causing disputes and struggles.
Marital mediators can identify issues where the couple needs further help. For instance, the marital mediation may provide concrete information to lead a couple to work with an estate planning attorney, bankruptcy attorney, real estate lawyer, business lawyer, or financial planner. Marital mediators have practical skills and experience in dealing with these issues that are different than those of marriage counselors, who have different skills.
Marriage counselors are capable of delving deeply into psychological issues, family issues, and problems from the past. This counseling is very helpful for many people at times. Marriage counselors analyze feelings and emotions, address psychological problems, and make diagnoses. Marital mediators do not, and cannot, do this type of work with clients.
Marital mediators generally don’t discuss feelings and emotions from the past. The marital mediator talks about the future, and asks, “what are you going to do.” Marital mediators help people identify areas in their behavior or actions that need to be changed and help them come to agreements about future behavior.
Sometimes, the marital mediation approach works better with a spouse who is resistant to the idea of psychology or couples counseling. Some spouses have a negative reaction just to the thought of a therapy session, but they will be receptive to going to a mediation session.
Marital mediators often work with clients at the same time they are working with a marriage counselor or individual psychologist. It can sometimes be helpful for these two approaches to be used in tandem. A marriage is important and every method should be attempted to save it and make it good again.
Deciding Whether to Divorce
When Divorce Makes Sense
There are some cases in which divorce is appropriate. Not every marriage can or should be saved, for example:
• If there is physical abuse to you or your children in the marriage, it is time to protect yourself and children and also seriously consider divorce.
• If there is drug or alcohol abuse that is not controlled after a relatively short period of time, it may be time for a divorce. The divorce might be a wake-up call for your spouse to finally address the problem.
• If your spouse has a gambling problem, or other serious psychological problem that is unchanging, it may be time to consider divorce.
• If your spouse continually has sexual affairs outside of the marriage, it may be time for a divorce. (Often, one affair can be a wake-up call that leads to the revitalization of the marriage.)
• If your marriage has been unhappy for years without change, it may be time to end it.
• If your spouse is significantly financially irresponsible without change, it may be time to end the marriage.
Married to the Wrong Person?
Love is blind at the beginning. That’s probably a good thing. But eventually, when spouses have lived together for a while, conflict develops. It’s universal and natural. The “right person” that you married is now the “wrong person”.It is the way a couple deals with conflict that makes the marriage work or fail. Dealing with the conflict not only makes your marriage better, but makes you grow and mature as an individual.So it is not really about “marrying the right person”, it’s about doing the work in the marriage to sustain and keep it alive when the “right person” you married doesn’t feel “right” any more. You may be surprised that you have married “Mr. Right” or “Ms. Right” after all.
‘Engaged’ Couples Don’t Divorce
We generally think of engagement as the period before a couple marries. But “engagement” is also important to marriages. Spouses who are “engaged” talk with each other every day . These spouses share the events of their separate lives and support each other’s aims and ventures. Spouses who are “engaged” do things together, watch TV together, visit friends together, travel together.
Married couples who are “engaged” generally do not get divorced, even if their marriage is full of stress, neuroses, or faulty communication styles. Even when they face difficult things, such as job loss, death and sickness, the marriage will persist. Even when these bad things have been caused by bad habits (such as overspending), their marriage can survive and be satisfying to them both.
A marriage where the parties are engaged has a good chance to survive any external or internal force. “Engaged” spouses have a low risk of divorce.
Managing the Divorce Process
Finding a Good Divorce Attorney or Mediator
If you decide you want professional help with your divorce, finding the right mediator or attorney is very important. There can be significant differences in how family law attorneys approach a case, and you want someone who matches your needs and intent.
For example, if your hope is for a peaceful divorce, then you don’t want an attorney who is an aggressive litigator. On the other hand, you may need a very aggressive attorney based on your spouse’s behavior so that you can proceed immediately to litigation.
You can conduct your attorney search online or through referrals from friends or family. If a referral, find out if the person referring has personally retained the attorney as a client, it’s not just their friend or acquaintance. Check each attorney’s website and find out as much as you can. You should probably have at least a short phone conversation with the ones you are interested in before you make an appointment.
It’s a good idea to consult with at least two and maybe three attorneys before selecting one. You might think that’s not necessary or too costly, however, the cost of choosing the wrong person has a much higher cost.
You should be as prepared as possible with all the facts and information you can gather to give the attorney an accurate picture of your situation. Good preparation on your part will help the attorney answer your questions and make the consult beneficial to you.
A few questions that might be helpful to ask:
• How do you manage most family law matters? What are the steps and time line?
• How many years have you been practicing family law?
• What other areas of law do you practice? How will you work with my spouse’s attorney?
• Are you primarily a litigation attorney or have you worked with couples using mediation or the collaborative process? Have you ever been the mediator in a family law matter? Which legal process do you prefer and why?
• Do you ever recommend using the services of other divorce professionals such a divorce coach or a financial analyst?
• If I select you to be my attorney, will I need to sign a retainer?
• Will you give me a copy of your retainer to take home to review before signing?
• What is the amount of the retainer and your hourly rate?
• How often do you go to court on family law matters? Do you prefer going to court or do you prefer to attempt to settle where possible?
• How does the local court manage cases? Will there be mandatory settlement conferences?
• Will your staff be performing services on my behalf and what is the hourly rate for their services? Can you please give me an example of your services versus the services your staff performs?
• How can I work with you to best manage the case and the cost?
• If a mediator, how many divorce mediations have you done in the past year?
• How many of those mediations resolved with a separation agreement?
• How many years have you been doing mediations?
Understanding Divorce Options
There are many different ways to get a divorce. The options range from a self-service filing to full-blown divorce litigation, and everything in between. If there are children and significant financial assets, it’s generally best to have an attorney involved.
Self Filing
If you and your spouse are completely amicable and in agreement about separation of your assets, then it often makes sense to do the filing yourself. If you want an expert to help with the paperwork, you can retain an attorney at modest cost to complete the filing with the state.
Divorce Mediation
Another option is for you and your spouse to jointly hire a divorce mediator, who will be a neutral party who works with you and your spouse to come to a fair agreement. Often you and your spouse will consult with separate counsel during the mediation process to review the agreement and make sure the terms make sense for you.
Collaborative Law
In collaborative law, each spouse is represented by an attorney, but there is a written commitment not to litigate with these attorneys or anyone from their firms. This gives the chance for face-to-face negotiations to unfold in a safe place, without the threat of litigation. Collaborative divorce proceeds in a series of four-way meetings between the clients and their attorneys. Often, a fifth person (a neutral coach) is present to facilitate the discussion and make sure emotions and anger do not get in the way.
Separate Attorneys
Many divorces are completed through negotiation between each spouse’s separate attorney. This process can work well but is dependent on the skills and styles of the two attorneys chosen. It’s often chosen by couples who don’t want to talk directly with each other.
Litigation
Sometimes, divorces are litigated. Litigation involves a lot of conflict and always causes bad feelings. This process generally scars both spouses and any children. The conflict is remembered forever and becomes part of family history. For this reason, litigation should be a last resort. Couples owe it to themselves to seriously consider whether it is necessary to terminate their marriage through litigation, since there are so many other methods available.
